My life has ground to a halt on the inside somehow. My emotions are
like books that have spilled off a high shelf and lie broken, scattered,
and askew on the floor. I feel I am caught in a trap of not knowing how
best to pull myself together and move forward with confidence and
aplomb I want to feel. Anxiety regarding my future is again creeping up
on me, and reading the tea leaves of an unpleasant future, I fear it may
already be too late to fix things.
For example, I
know I need to repair my health, lose weight, and get off the sleep
apnea machine (which I really dislike), but I do not know where or how
to start, especially since other concerns take up more time. Doing
laundry, having a day off for chores, fixing meals is a hassle that
takes up so much time and energy. There isn't time or energy left for
exercise. Then, a slimy edge of hopelessness accumulates on all my
random thoughts during the day, never too conscious to be examined
directly, just a thin film of unease that you suddenly aware of but
can't formulate a way to describe it, even to yourself.
I
used to feel like I was making progress to things. When I was in
college, I was trying to head for a career that was satisfying and could
help me afford a decent life-style. That fell apart spectacularly. When
I was in a relationship, I was heading toward a family and a satisfying
emotional bond with a loving partner. That fell apart. But more
accurately, it probably was never what I thought it was in the first
place. Youth made it seem like the future was matter of choosing a
handful of the best options from a world of possibility, a world of
potential benefits that could be enjoyed like biting into a ripe, sweet,
summer fruit. Late middle-age has clarified the reality that time is
not an infinite resource and that some opportunities will only come once
or twice. Coping with loss, and trying not to feel like a failure is
hard.
I spend a lot of time praying, hoping to
recapture the feeling of security that came from a hopeful future.
Trying not to be de-moralized in a world hurting from its own poor
choices and disregard for the inherent dignity of mankind. May God
please guide me to my best possible future.