Of course, the thing I am talking about—the thing from which I need rescue—is an undefined worry about a disastrous future, which is another way of saying (when you really think hard about it) "I am afraid of myself." I am afraid that I will not be able to change the course of things in time, that I will not be able to establish a foundation for a reasonably stable future, that I will not be able to support myself, that I will slip into homelessness because I did not exert myself enough, did not work hard enough to overcome and eliminate my personal flaws, did not establish routine, healthy, patterns of behavior. I have tried to fix this in the past by re-orienting my thoughts, but maybe not enough energy was put into re-orienting my behavior.
Some of this worry seems to be based on some solid evidence. For example, last night I read over the early posts on this blog from about thirteen years ago, and while my circumstances were different, most of my fears were the same. And, really, the future disaster is the same as the past disaster—my girlfriend leaving me, and the end of my graduate school career. I am still coping with some of the fallout from those old failures. The emotional turbulence of the past is still causing ripples into the present. The pain is not as intense, but it still aches, with the added realization that time is shorter. So, in some ways, the thing I am afraid of is already happening. It is just an extension of something that I failed to stop or fix, except now the consequences could intensify and morph into something new. I imagine it is like being injured in a battle, having a serious leg wound, and rather than properly have it seen to by a doctor and treated, you ignore it and allow it to bleed. The bleeding from my earlier problems has not yet fully stopped.
Last week, I found myself in town purchasing yet another notebook. The idea was that I would be able to identify my goals, the life-changes I needed to make, and then write out a plan of action, forming a schedule and noting which days would be spent working to achieve my goals. I had already done this to some extent.
For example, for what ever reason, a couple of years ago, (during my blog hiatus) I decided that each Friday night, I would go to the local cafe and draw pictures of the bands that played that night. The intention was: 1) to get out of the house and not be so isolated and lonely, 2) practice my drawing ability and keep whatever skills I had up, 3) do something that was just for myself, a thing that had nothing to do with my birth-family and had nothing to do with work. Just for me. It seems to have stuck. I have not done it every Friday since I begun, but I have done it most Fridays for at least two years solid.
Recognizing that as something as an emotional success, I thought to myself that maybe I could try to extend that daily task idea to something else. Maybe if I chose a day for writing, a separate one for cooking, another for cleaning, for exercise, and so on, I would be able to pile up some measure of success or personal improvement. If I thought of it as an 'investment,' and easy enough idea in a materialistic society, I could eventually accumulate some reward through persistent effort. Right now, in my middle forties, I still think that. The note book was the first step in developing a plan.
And yet, I was slightly disheartened to read in my reviewing of early blog posts, that I had a similar idea: "Develop a plan of action for change, execute the plan, reap the reward." Again, the problems are the same, the circumstances and consequences are different.
I suppose that is why the idea of child-rearing for virtues, the virtue training of children, is so important: a stronger character early in life is the foundation for future success and the coping with life's inevitable set-backs. Although I feel that I am more resilient than I ever have been, each of my set-backs has a tendency to send me crashing down into depression and inaction. I tend to throw up my hands when I perceive I have failed in some way.
Maybe this time will be different though. I have to have hope that I have improved over the last ten years, even if all I can see is how far I have left to go, and how the time to get there continues to shrink.
If I am 100% honest with my past life changes, I think my daily morning prayers has been my biggest success and has probably helped me to stop sliding further into despair. I have managed to keep this habit going mostly on track for at least the last several years, much longer than my drawing project. I am hoping that if I continue pray with sincerity, with an eye to developing virtue and change, petitioning for help with past mistakes, then by the grace of God, I might be guided to what I need most. If I can conquer the fear of being alone and unaided in my quest to be a better person with the ability to be self-supporting, then maybe I will succeed in the way I want to. At least, I sure hope so.