Again, I got very little sleep initially last night. Went to bed
around midnight, woke up around 4:30 a.m. and couldn't fall back asleep.
I surfed a lot on my phone, which may have been a poor use of my time,
but what else is there to do at that time of day? I guess I could try to
write or meditate or something.
I did, in fact, say
my morning prayers, and then I "woke up" officially by going in the
house fifteen minutes before my parents had to leave for work. I spoke
with them about the day's plans, listened the news, and ended up arguing
with my mom briefly, but really, I think I was trying to defend myself.
She does not "do well" in the morning, and it is a challenge to talk to
her amiably at this time of day. Still, I think we avoided an actual
argument, which is progress for both of us.
Then, I was
at the house by myself. I still didn't feel very tired. After feeding
the outdoor cats, I decided to pick some cherries for dad. The cherries
on the tree were ripe, the morning, while light, was still cool, so it
seemed like a good idea. I know that dad had hoped to make a pie out of
them this season. I figured I could try to help out.
Really,
I have been grappling with trying to figure out how to make my life
more meaningful. I am desperately poor, locked into certain
circumstances of my own choosing/creating, and do not have much of an
idea on how to change for the better. I don't really know what 'better'
looks like from where I am at. It would be nice to see a step or two
ahead, but I can't. I figured picking cherries would help me think about
it.
Then I made breakfast, picked the stems off the
cherries I picked, and sooner than later, went back to bed. I ended up
sleeping until 1:30 am in the afternoon. Mom had told me that Dad had
heard me snoring. That might mean, that in addition to not getting
enough sleep, the sleep I did get was not restful. Perhaps the sleep
mask is not working. Perhaps my difficulty in losing weight is due to
not getting the rest and oxygen I need. Unfortunately, when I wrote down
my meals for the day, I had to acknowledge that I went over my calorie
budget again. I guess I am not yet comfortable with feeling hungry. I
need to invest time in preparing meals. Spend less time on the
computer.
I opted not to have a shower today in order
to get to work at a decent hour. Work was light, which was sort of bad
because I need to have a firmer and clearer direction concerning the
work that needs doing. I can do a lot of things there that other people
can't, but when I am caught up on some things, I struggle to find
positive ways to keep occupied. On the plus side, before leaving for the
night, I did the work dishes: cleaned the coffee mugs, wiped down the
counter, put the silverware away.
I would have gone
into the cafe tonight, but skipped it because tonight they were charging
an eight dollar cover charge. That, plus the money I would have to
spend on gas, seemed too much for me. I contemplated going to a cafe in
another city, but when I finally was ready to leave work at 7:30, it
would be too late to spend any kind of meaningful time there. I would
have an hour at most. Instead, I bought a sandwich at Subway, and went
home to eat it. By 8pm, I was in bed playing video games on my computer
and watching television.
I know this all feels like a
waste of time, but I am not sure how to fix it. In some ways, I feel
paralyzed by my choices, and the recognition I tend to make bad ones.
We'll see how I might be able to fix this in the future.