Part of me, the part that sits in the shadows of worry, and feeds like a beast on dark prospects of ruined hope, is afraid that I have broken myself in a way that I cannot repair. Almost every morning when I wake up, I sense that I could have had something better, could have fit my life in a neat niche of spiritual success, but I am confronted with the sense of loss. I struggle, I think to myself, because I have wandered too far in the path of error to return. It's not a clear sense of what is wrong, just a worry that I fear is nibbling on the truth.
Here is a dream from last night I had: I am in a government building of some kind. I have a strong sense of justice, and what needs to happen. At the same time, there is a child who is intent on doing all of the wrong things. He persists in upsetting everyone around him. He's no more than nine. He enjoys spreading unhappiness to others. He does not care because he does not expect any consequences. I find him in this building, after he has upset some people, including fellow children, and I see him standing in front of a video game arcade cabinet. He is blithely playing a game, oblivious to the hurt around him. I come up behind him, intent on delivering him to justice, and grab him by the arm. Suddenly, now faced with the fear of being caught, of having to pay a price for disobedience, his manner has changed. He is fearful and in tears. I remove his protective helmet, and he is revealed to be a giant insect. He does not want to be squashed. With a voice filled with power and determination, I say calmly and firmly: "Let him feel the fear of consequences." And then, I wake up.
I do not sleep as long as I need to. I have been trying to readjust my diet so that I can lose weight. More healthier foods, less calories overall. Unfortunately, not sleeping through the night fights against weight loss. The doctors have told me that most of one's calories are lost in respiration. You literally breathe out your spent calories. When you do not sleep well, this does not happen. Your body, lacking oxygen, is out of a kind of balance. I know this is not uncommon among people my age. I can see it every time I am out and about in society. The perfect bodies without illness, weight, or ugliness exist in the young or, more often, in the media. I always wonder how they do it. If maybe the perfect vision of health is the result of unhealthiness like starvation, tempting kidney failure, or some other bodily malady.
All thoughts which bring me back to the central problem of my life during these last few years. I do not know what to do.
Every aspect of my life feeds directly back into this ignorance. For example, I know what I need to do spiritually: morning prayers, reading sacred texts, a little meditation, and talking with others. The question in that regard is not the "what," but the "how." Am I reading enough? Should I read other things more regularly. Which prayers should I say, and how should I work on my virtues?
Regarding my career and interests: it used to be that, when I was younger, I thought vainly that perhaps I would like to be a successful artist. But why? And for what reason? All of the silly things that I admired in my youth have largely been forgotten. I see other people a bit younger than me obsessed with certain movie franchises, cartoons, or TV shows, and their art, much more accomplished than what I could do, feels hollow. Did I want to draw an homage to an 80s TV show? What point would that serve? How would that help anyone?
I guess part of the whole issue of not knowing what or how to do something is my search for personal meaning. I do not want my life to be filled with vain pursuits of my own interests, most of which can be easily focused on media creations and products. But, I do not know how else to go about life and how to cut through all of that. Retiring to a cave and begging for food is out of the question. How does one be in life and not "of" life, especially when culture, family, and the whole outside world is largely in a stage of development where only the bodily comforts and pursuits are sought after.
I am the kind of person who likes a plan, even if it turns out not to be workable. At least a plan is a position to work from, even if it takes you somewhere else. I am going to continue to think about this. I hope God will help me discover a plan that can carry me forward in that positive path to personal meaning.