Woke up with a worrying physical problem to add to the mix of the
emotional mix of the emotional ones: woke up dizzy. I do not think I
have insurance any longer, so I am avoiding going to the doctor to have
it checked out. Mom suggested it could have something to do with blood
pressure, but I seriously doubt that. I think it is either one of two
things. Either it is low blood sugar due to not having had anything to
eat for awhile, and going low over night. Or, it is simply that I have
not had the rest I need. The sleep apnea
machine (which I hate) has a heated hose. The weather has been in the
80s and 90s, so maybe, I think to myself, the extra heat from the hose
is too much. Yes, dear reader, I know what you are likely thinking: that
is crazy to heat a hose when you don't need it. You're either damaging
yourself or your machine or both. Valid criticism. I think the reason I
have not turned it off yet is because the mechanism for doing so is
rather unintuitive. Which is probably another indicator of how much I
dislike this machine and my need for it.
When I first got the sleep apnea
machine, I weighed my heaviest. A long term lack of sleep and
depression, combined with my carelessness with calories really packed
the pounds on. The weight causes the problem and necessitates the
machine, and perhaps a significant weight loss would mean that I could
give it up. I do not want to become attached to it, to rely it on it for
such a basic human function, that emotionally I have been keeping my
distance, trying to interact with it as little as possible. Not rational
of course, but it is what it is. Combine that approach with my first
introduction with the machine a couple of years ago. The supplier of the
machine, as well as the supplies for it, was not very good. The
technicians were competent, but the whole store eventually began to feel
like a giant cash grab. Everyone there seemed to be doing the bare
minimum to qualify for the insurance payouts, for which they charged as
much as possible. It was not a good feeling I had of the place. Maybe
they needed to charge as much as they did, but a little research
uncovered multiple issues others had with them, as well as some better
alternative suppliers. Therefore, I switched. Still the emotional
reluctance remains. I hate the machine. I hope to lose a lot of weight
to be able to stop using it and still sleep well. We shall see.
As
for this morning's dizziness, I am currently not sure what to do. Dad
has told me that there is a letter from my insurance company at home for
me. If it indicates that I have insurance still, and if I feel dizzy in
the morning, I will make an appointment to figure out what is wrong.
Aside from blood sugar or physical exhaustion, I suppose it could be
something weird like pneumonia, but I dislike doctors too. Not for any
serious reason for who they are or what they do, but because of the
simple knowledge that I cannot afford them. Sometimes I think that, had I
been born in a different western nation, my greatest expenses and
debts: college and health care, would not even exist.