I remember in this Nick Nolte film from the 90s that his character had a severe tooth ache that was a metaphor for the difficulties in his life, even possibly for the trauma he had suffered in his childhood. I thought it was a fairly good use of symbol. I only mention it now because, while my tooth has been aching, really I have been suffering from so much more, both physical and mental. I can see a similar narrative device working in my case if ever I wrote a story about myself.
These last handful of days has found me escaping into the world of digital games, specifically World of Warcraft. Five hours or more in front of a screen making "progress" and the numbers "go up." Already exalted with the High Mountain Tauren in Legion somehow. However, it is hard to say that I enjoy playing it.
Someone said that going back to WoW is sort of like having an ex-wife with whom you share a kid; in some way or another, she's always going to be part of your life because of that kid. I've quit a few times, only to eventually come back, partly because it feels like a harmless way to occupy time without thinking too hard. I do think I need to not think for a bit. I find I need the escape from unpleasant realities increasingly necessary.
I have been thinking about how social media and the "algorithm" lack true commitment to the moral values of basic humanity. Social Media will set your nervous system on fire with images, memes, and "content" to disturb your amygdala all in a single pointed drive to get money, the one moral value of our modern society that seems stable, above criticism.
Anyhow, lately, social media has not been the harmless distraction that I needed from recent events, so I turned to the old standby, WoW. I made a fury warrior that I took from lvl 1 to lvl 80 in just one week. The "remix" that helped this quick rise was the same content I was playing ten years ago. I remembered all of it even as I was feeling bad about wasting time. A feeling that grew with the passing hours.
Prayers, fear, distraction, and numbness are my life these days. I hope to get back on a plan to stabilize my future, forms to fill out, contingency plans to make. I know I have to rely on a higher power to get me through all the days, months, and years to come. It's the only refuge I have, or anyone has, in these trying times. All I can think with the increasing bad news is this: "God help us all."