The Literary Feline

Fountain

Today was not one of my better days. I've forgotten to take some of my medication this past week, so that explains some of the reason why I've been under the weather. On the plus side, the word finally came down that I got into the program to which I was applying. Now, all I need to do is come up with just a few hundred dollars and I will be a student again, albeit at decidedly lower stakes than before. I am really hoping to pick up some career skills that will help me climb out of the black hole of debt I am currently in. Nothing like the prospect of being compressed into an impoverished singularity to motivate one to earn money.

By now, most people know that I unofficially have a cat. It has a balance problem due to a brain defect. According to the vet, to which she was taken a few weeks ago, the cat is known as a "mild cerebellum" something, something. Some injury or disease early in its development affected the cat's brain, specifically the part that controls motor skills. Therefore, the cat frequently falls over, misses jumps, and generally acts like the chief doofus of the feline world. Sometimes, it looks like she is constantly pouncing on things, but I believe that is because she compensates her jumping problem by leaping several inches higher than necessary to reach her intended target. But, beyond her brain issues, I think the cat is just plain weird. She chews on a cardboard box; her favorite cat toy is my hands (which she has scratched and bitten nearly all to hell). And despite her jumping compensation, she still misses. There is nothing like sitting in your chair, and having a cat leap up as high as your head in order to sit with you, but either miss the chair entirely or plain fall out of it. This is in addition to the normal cat issues like fish breath or sitting on my laptop as I am using it. (For instance, this blog post has been interrupted at least five times already.)

Aside from school, and the cat, I think I am doing generally okay. I've been reading for pleasure again. Right now, I am reading Storm of Steel, essentially the diary of a German Soldier during World War I. It has been interesting to get new perspective on the war that launched the 20th century. I finished reading Jimmy Corrigan about a week ago. Generally, I liked it, but I think I turned to Storm of Steel for something more classically literary. I am not sure what I will read next, but I have a paperback copy of Freud's "Jokes and their Relation to the Unconscious" that I picked up in a used book store in Salem. I read his "Psychopathology of Everyday Life" for class last year and enjoyed it. Tomorrow, after depositing my paycheck, I'm going to try and take care of a few errands. I may or may not take more pictures.

Underwhelmed

Fort Hoskins II

After making a breakfast that consisted of three eggs and reheated coffee, I spent most of the morning cleaning things up and straightening the mess that my room had become. The piles of paper that had been on the floor were thrown out, the books that were strewn everywhere had been restacked, and the dirt on the floor was swept away. I took my time doing all of that since I've been trying to cope with the loss of my previous career path: English scholar/teacher. I get the sense that most people who know me want me to get over my moods already and move on with my life, and to be really honest, I am doing the best I can. I'm trying not to let it get in the way too much, but I can't help feel some loss about it.

The overview session that I went to today, the one I mentioned in my previous post, the overview session for the graphic design program I am applying to, was somewhat underwhelming. I think the main purpose of the meeting was to dissuade the unserious and errant dabblers from enrolling in the program. If you saw Art School Confidential, you got to see the arty stereotypes that make up these sort of classes--unserious, errant dabblers being one of those stereotypes. I'm afraid that my nervousness and anxiety about the program was manifested in my nerdy questions after the main presentation. "Did I submit the portfolio in the proper format," "Does the program make use of wacom tablets," and "How soon do you need to buy the (very expensive) digital camera" all were questions that could have at least have waited until August 30th, about the date when I find out if they even accept me. The question that was really on my mind is "How am I going to pay for this," and of course that is a question that, eventually, only I can answer.

After the presentation was over, I went to Circuit City and looked at some several hundred dollar cameras, with so many buttons and screens that it seemed obscene somehow. None of the clerks there appeared to want to answer any of my questions because they all ignored me. Perhaps they somehow sensed I was the essence of poverty. I then went to the gym and worked out for about half an hour, because...well because I sometimes feel like a "fat sack of crap." (Not really, but it's my new phrase.) My last stop was at the pet store to pick up three cheap fabric mice for the cat that lives outside my door to chew on. I am going to try and take the next couple of days easy as far as my worrying about this graphic design program. It is not worth getting heartburn over. Besides, I got over things to work on in the meantime.

Dreams and Portfolios

Fort Hoskins

I slept most of the day away. After waking up at 7:00 a.m. or so, I went back to bed around 10:00 a.m. and slept until 3:00 p.m. It was just barely enough time to turn in my portfolio to the Visual Communications program at the local college. I spent all day Sunday taking photographs, filling out forms, and taking photographs of art that I had already drawn in my previous art classes from years ago. The deadline for turning in the portfolio is on Tuesday, but I wanted to get mine in a day early to beat the other last minute people, especially since the college accepts people in the program on a first come, first serve basis. If space is short, I might be able to beat out a handful of the other last minute applications. Tuesday, I go back to attend an informational meeting that discusses the program in more detail.

Except for driving into the neighboring town to turn in the portfolio, the only other big thing that I did today was the sleeping. I had a couple of dreams though. In the first one, I was on another planet that looked like a large city, like Portland, while other parts of the planet reminded me of California. I was in the parking lot of one of the big box stores looking for my lost cat, a cat that was the size of a large dog. When I got out of my van to look for him, the people I was with drove away leaving me stranded. I spent the rest of the dream trying to navigate my way through some suburban neighborhood in order to find the van and the cat.

In my second dream, I was re-visiting my old University for some reason. It was the end of the term, so all of my former colleagues were attending some large meeting. I was checking where my old office was, when the director came by and asked if I needed a key to clear it out. (The office in my dream was much smaller than the one I actually had last year.) I told her "no," since I had already cleared out the office earlier. I don't remember much else of the dream except that I was walking around campus and trying to avoid the people who knew me. Thinking about the dream made me a little pensive for most of the afternoon.

I'm not going to stay up too late tonight since I need to get back on a normal schedule. On Tuesday afternoon I attend the informational meeting, which even if I don't get into the program, should be interesting.

Adjustments

I've been neglecting my blogs for awhile, partially because I haven't really had anything new to say. Nothing has inspired me to get back to writing either. I think--and I haven't really admitted this to anyone yet--that I still feel somewhat demoralized from the loss of career and apartment at the beginning of the summer, so it has been a little difficult to find a new path and be excited about it. However, I have made a lot of changes since then, so I suppose I should try and keep some perspective.

For example, I am applying to the visual communications program at my local college to gain some practical skills that should help me get a freelance illustration career going. I've thought about also doing some freelance writing since I already have the training for that, but I worry that I am not creative enough to find topics to write about. Heck, if I can't figure out things to say in this silly blog, what makes me think I could write some kind of article and be paid for it. The nice thing about school assignments is the fact that the instructors pretty much guide you through what they want to see in a paper. Anyway.

The above picture is from a trip I took to the Finley National Wildlife Refuge. The environment there is supposed to be comprised solely of authentic native plants. It was sort of interesting to look out over the prairie and see what the country might have looked like about two hundred years ago. However, as you can sort of tell by the fence, there is also an original Pioneer farm house that was built in 1850's in the refuge as well. It was nice to reflect on how those people might have lived all those generations ago, but the building isn't that much to look at. Yes, it is authentic, but it is still just an old farm house.

Getting it in Control

Crane and Geese

Things haven't seemed to be going right for the past couple of days. I have a hard time talking with people without getting angry. The slightest irritation on someone's else behalf gets me going. I've been really trying hard to get it all under control. I think I need to center myself somehow, and to do that, I think I need some time alone. I have also had problems with allergies for the last two weeks. It affects my sleeping, and it makes it hard to breath sometimes. I know that these two things are unrelated, but I am sure it would be easier to control the anger if I hadn't had the allergies to deal with. It is like constantly being interrupted when you're trying to get it all under control.

Part of my relaxation technique is to get away for a little while at a time. The above picture is from one of those trips. It was one of the first times I have seen a crane at this particular location. In addition to the crane, there were the usual Canadian Geese, and in other photographs I have (which aren't as good) there is a nutria. At least, I think it is a nutria. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but it was pretty cool to see.

Steps in Front of Others

I've spent the last few days at work preparing a large submission for a specific trade magazine. The major part of it is about nine pages single space with one inch margins. For those of you who have typed term papers and the like, you know how much that really is. Anyway, for the project, I had to learn a lot about local history: stuff about pioneering trails, historic pioneer farms, and the like. It has been somewhat interesting to know more about the place you live, but I've not really been keen on learning about the pioneer stuff. Yeah, it is interesting to know how people lived one hundred years ago but that only goes so far. I guess I am more proud of the natural environment and the progressive reputation that the coastal west often enjoys more than the hard-work and determination blah, blah, blah that is usually associated with Pioneers. I mean, I guess it would be one thing if the so-called pioneers were the first people out here to settle the land and carve a life for themselves. But, of course, the reservation down the road (with it's popular casino) proves otherwise. The trumpeted ballyhoo about the pioneers of the American west is always tempered by the fact that, for me, it largely represents American expansionism and the displacement of the indigenous peoples.

Personally, I have been having some weird dreams. My life has changed dramatically, and I think, sub-consciously, I am still trying to get a grip on it. I often dream about being poor without any resources to depend on. I managed to get my first paycheck the other day, which was great, but I still owe rent for the month of May in place I moved out of, cable I no longer subscribe to, and phone for service I no longer have. The paycheck won't cover even half of it yet. Fortunately, by the end of the month, I should have most of my bills paid off, but the stress of still owing money combined with the fact that I'm not making any progress on my long term life goals--and that I am 34!--is a little depressing. I tell myself that life is one step in front of the other and that knowledge sometimes helps.

Cliche Enrollment Cards

McBee Park

I figured I could use some of the time I had at lunch to update my blog. I've thought about doing it a few times in the past couple of days, but the heat and the amount of work I have been doing has made posting a bit difficult.

I am officially flat broke. I have ten bucks in my pocket and five in my bank account, which I suppose is something, but not when you consider that I have over 60,000 dollars debt in college loans. I try not to think about that number, especially when I consider all of the other garbage that seems to go with it these days. I'd explain more, but more than likely, everyone who knows me has already heard it.

Being 34 and living your parent's garage is quite a come down. I've officially become a cliche and I am considering submitting my official cliche enrollment card soon. I know I am not the first person of my generation to have done so, but it would be rather nice to have my own apartment again. And speaking of cliches', since I have already gone there, I suppose I should view the next couple of months as a period of recuperation and recovery. Every self-help book and TV show seems to say that is a good idea, even if I am uncomfortable and self-conscious delving into the self-help territory.

I've stalwartly decided to ignore the seeming ignobility of my position to look at the slight upsides. For example, it is sort of a nice garage, and it gives me an amount of privacy that living on the streets never could. (Yes, that was a path I could have taken.) Also, I've still got access to television and the internet, so my mind will have something to occupy itself in the evenings aside from thoughts about the past. And, my parents do live in some scenic country. It has been rather nice to go outside and watch the wind rustle through the large trees instead of watching an empty plastic sack float past a public bus.

I've been spending more time in Nature lately, which is something one could probably tell by the pictures I have been posting recently. The above picture comes from a half-mile hike up and down a steep mountain to a very beautiful river scene. And because of the difficult hike, no-one else was there.

The top picture doesn't do it full justice. Even though it was a bright afternoon, this river clearing was a cathedral of shady greens and running streams. I should have taken some time to get my feet wet instead of standing on the river rocks. In any event, I'll post more pictures later from this particular hike when I have more time for blogging and more things of substance to talk about. Until then.

Footprints

I believe I have settled in for the time being. There is no more moving or shifting of my various material things left to do. Now, I am beginning to establish my new routines. I am not sure what has been really noticeable during the last week, because I suppose I have been too busy to notice anything. The one thing that has been on my mind the most have been the allergies I have been having for the last few days. They are giving me a lot of trouble, to the point where I have a little trouble sleeping.

Perhaps I am having somewhat of an existential crisis. School didn't turn out the way I would have liked, and so my future plans need to seriously re-adjust, but I am not quite sure what direction I want to head in yet. I have been exploring the idea of a future working in the fine arts somehow, but really, nothing seems practical at the moment. It was easy to imagine a future career in reasearch and teaching. It was close enough to taste; I saw it everyday, and to some extent, I was doing it. It is hard to have that kind of vision with an artistic path. Frankly, I think I am still in some of the various stages of grief about the last three years. I'm sure I will eventually work through that grief, but right now, it still feels like I'm far back enough in the tunnel to where the light at the end of it seems rather dim.

Moved!

It's finally done; I've moved out. It took two days to physically get all of the furniture out of the apartment, and then it took about four days to unpack it all into my current living situation. And I can't fit it all in, so I am looking at putting some of it in mini-storage, depending on the cost. I really hate moving, and from a purely physical standpoint, this move was harder to do than all my previous ones. Clearly, I am way more out of shape than I thought. I need to start going back to the gym so when I move next, I won't feel like I am going to pass out.

After about a week's break, I've started back on my artwork again. Having the scanner unpacked helps. I've got plans for upgrading my overall art supplies, but that will have to wait until I start earning my own cash. I am avoiding thinking about school for the time being. Part of me wishes things has turned out differently, but the other part of me is glad to be rid of that particular stressor. There's still some stress about the whole thing. Fortunately, it is not quite like it was before.

Packing Up

If all goes according to plans, this should be my last week here before I move back in with my folks. Yes, I have become a cliche, but I take solace in that it should give me some ability to earn a few bucks before striking out on my own again. I've also been thinking about how I should approach a permanent career in the arts somehow. I've invested in a handful of sketchbooks, pens, and drawing boards. For a mid term goal, I would like to get a good computer rig (*photoshop software, decent digital camera, and a desktop PC or MAC) put together to do some of the cleanup, coloring, and other various illustration tasks.

I am still adjusting to the major changes going on in my life. I spent the past few days at my parent's place trying to get things prepared for my arrival. I also did some initial training so I would know how to do invoicing and billing. There is a lot to learn, and I will need some help still, but I think I should be able to do it without too much trouble. However, the stress of the past couple of days has been a little overwhelming. I am still trying to cope with the adjustment, but I think I should do okay as long as I remember not to overdo everything by trying to get it all done at once.

Moving

Wednesday, I visited the disability services office, the financial aid office, and the career center. All of these things were in preparation for my upcoming move. At this point, I have packed up most of the apartment but I still have to sort through all of the things in the kitchen. I have a grand total of fourteen file boxes packed at this point. And the sad thing is that this is the bulk of my material possessions. Six more file sized boxes should take care of all of the small stuff. And, there is still a lot of things to throw out. I am sure there is some food stuffs in the cupboards that are least two years old.

Of course, since this is the end of spring term, I am not the only one moving. Right now, there is a moving van (not mine) parked in front of my building. I am starting to worry that I may not be able to rent my own truck when I need one if demand happens to be too high. If I can't get moving truck, then I am going to throw out more furniture than I planned on. I don't have that much anyway.

Throwing out furniture and household goods is nothing unusual for students. What was unusual was that I saw a couple people rummaging through the outside trash today. At first, I wondered if they might have accidently thrown out something that they really needed, but then I realized that they were probably homeless. They came up with a few pots and pans. I sure hope that they plan on selling them for scrap or something rather than using them for food.

I am going move my first load of boxes tomorrow. I am also going to change my address with the post office, make an appointment for "checking out" with the housing office, and try to be hopeful about all these changes in the next handful of days.

Some Days

Ritz Quacker

I've been packing for the last couple of days, and I have about four boxes loaded and ready to go. I should be all moved by the end of the month. I sorted through all of my clothes and books in order to determine which ones I could do without. The old clothing, the stuff that doesn't fit anymore, I dropped off at the goodwill today. Ihe books, I sold to a couple different bookstores downtown. Normally, when I sell books, I don't usually make anything more than twenty bucks because I am only getting rid of four or five at time. However, today, I got rid of about sixty altogether and got more money for them than I would have expected. Not to worry though, I still have a ton of books I kept, so nobody would even notice that I unloaded a few.

I also went back to campus today to clean out my office. I said goodbye to my officemate after I gave him some bookends, a desk lamp (which is broken), and some old text books I didn't need. I've never spoken to the guy more than just a few times, so it wasn't too awkward to say goodbye. I didn't feel any pressures to explain my future plans to him other than to say that this was my last term and I was looking forward to the summer. However, I did bump into the guy who I shared the office with during my first year. Every time I see him, I think about how he could be Jack Black's brother. They both look alike, sound the same, and act alike to some degree. I deflected questions about what I was going to be doing in the future by asking him about his dissertation and commenting on how busy he was going be. He laughed, and I wished him luck.

The last thing that I did today was go to the career center. I told the receptionist that I was interested in taking the strong interest survey. They arranged for me to meet with a career counselor, some short man with a receding hairline who was dressed "business casual." Since I knew what I wanted, we didn't talk about too much, except to say that in addition to that particular survey, they required students to fill out a myers-briggs test as well. He said when I finished both tests, we would discuss the results during a future appointment. I didn't really think much about the whole thing because, frankly, I was hot and tired. Part of me is also looking forward to putting this whole school thing behind me. Metaphorically, I've expended a lot heat and lost a lot of energy in the process.

Tomorrow, I am going to packing up the living room and cleaning out the kitchen to the best of my ability. I also need do the laundry. The picture of the duck, whose name by the way is "Ritz Quacker," (no, I am not making that up) was from a walk I took the other day downtown. I needed to get out of the house, so I bought a cold coffee drink and tried to think about all of the other things I need to do before I leave town. Some days are better than others.

Re-Tooling

Lunch This Past Tuesday

For several months, ever since my car was stolen, I have been climbing in to my car's driver's seat from the passenger side of the vehicle. The lock had apparently been forced open with a screwdriver or something and the whole internal locking mechanism was completely broken. I no longer get mad when I think about my car being taken for a teenage joyride, or used as some kind of temporary hotel, but I do occasionally speculate on what it was used for when it was away. Anyway, I had become quite adept sliding across the seats and rather indifferent to potential stares from strangers. I mean, my car was broken and it was not my fault. What could I really do, right? So, on Tuesday, I finally got it fixed. I spent the afternoon walking around downtown while the mechanics re-tooled the door. I was also able to buy a few small art supplies, like a metal copic brush pen.

My walk across town also helped me consider my current demoralized condition. My career path is not going so good, and getting my master's degree may not be in my future after all. Truth be told, I have earned a several incomplete grades and it is rather hard to get them resolved while still trying to attend class. It is very much like trying to save money while spending much more than you earn. I am just not getting ahead. To say that I have been spending a lot of time being pensive and disappointed is an understatement of sorts. My future plans and goals for my life are shifting, but I still don't know which direction they are shifting in yet. I've been reflecting on my future for the whole past week.

Today, I went to talk with the administrators to see if there was any hope of somehow salvaging what I could from the past two years of college enrollment. According to the people I spoke with, there may be a chance to get a degree at some future point, but it is long shot. A very, very long shot. But to earn this chance, I have to swallow my pride again, justify my presence to several bureaucratic gate-keepers, and finally make some academic progress. And to do that, I will have to spend the next three weeks on campus at the admin. bldg, the clinic, and the library. I am not sure I am up to it. On the other hand, to think that I've added a few more thousand dollars of debt to my college loans without a degree to show for it is a strong motivator to persist along my college path for a little while longer.

Regardless of what decisions I come to, my plans for the summer (and beyond) involve a significant change. For too long, I have been stuck in a sort of spiritual neutral; the ship of myself has sailed into still and stagnant seas. Soon, I will move back in with my folks, start work in the family business, explore my illustrator interests, and generally regroup emotionally. I think a change in my physical environment will actually help me get kick-started. And I am looking forward to making some progress--any progress--because, after all of this, a little success will go a long way.

Future Shock

Future Shock

I have become a close friend to anxiety. It has nested comfortable inside my chest, to the left of my heart, and whispers to me constantly. Usually, I try to fight it and say to myself, one way or another, "okay, just because you're worried about the future does not mean that things won't eventually be okay and sort themselves out. Life goes on. Failures are just opportunities. Feelings aren't facts. Yadda, yadda, yadda. But because the whispering of anxiety is incessant, it takes all of my energy to fight it or ignore it, and occasionally, it absorbs me from the inside out.

One way or the other, it seems that my current school plans are either at an end or on hold. I certainly can't afford to keep going into to debt, either financially and academically without having some sort of promise of future reward. So, I am looking at getting a new job, but not in the field for which I have studied. I am looking at getting a new place to live, but some place super cheap. Essentially, I am looking at starting things over, going back to where I was four years ago, but this time, I don't really have a plan for how to move things forward or recover some of what I've lost. I've reached a cul-de-sac in life, and I have to turn around.

Perhaps, I do have something to show for it. For example, maybe I have a better sense of self. After all, I am resolving some long standing life issues to some degree, even though I feel I've made more than my share of mis-steps. And maybe I've even improved the quality of my present and future internal life, even if I will continue to be among the poor and working class. But faced with my current setbacks and debts, this is classic "cold comfort."

But, now I've indulged my anxiety with this blog post, I can start talking back to it with the "life goes on, failures are opportunities, and feelings aren't facts" stuff. There may yet be some things I can do, so, I will do what I have always done. Accept where I am at without too much regret, and try to negotiate for better place and more secure future.

Today on Campus

Campus

I've been on some new medication that makes it more difficult for me to stay asleep. Consequently, I have been waking up super early in the morning, usually around 4:00 a.m. or 5:00 a.m. This would be great, except that I am getting to sleep around midnight or later. I've always had a weird sleep schedule, which I think was due to the swing shift/graveyard I worked at for nine years, but this medication I am on makes the whole eight hours of sleep idea a lot more challenging.

Speaking of medication, because I don't have an income to speak of, I have to signup for a patient assistance program to continue to get this stuff from the corporate guys who make it. I was on campus during the hottest part of the afternoon today getting all the required paperwork filled out and jumping through hoops. The nurse manager, a nice person who seems really overworked, was in charge of all the hoops that needed to be jumped through.

I've had to work with this Nurse Manager before, let's call her R.N. T-----. She's a very nice person, but the last time I met with her, I was sweating from the exertion of walking across the campus on a hot day. After a few minutes, she noted that I was sweating and so she asked me if I was okay. I assured that I was, but while I was filling out forms and such, she left and got me a cold soda. A little stunned, I quietly took the soda and put it in my bag and drank it while walking back to the library. Well, today, the same thing happened again. R.N. T----- looked at me with a look of concern and asked if I was okay. I was sweating again, partly because it was hot and I don't acclimate well to the heat, and partly because the meds I am on make me perspire more. But she was so concerned that she made me take a cold can of apple juice, even though I repeatedly said I was fine. After I filled out more paperwork, I left and drank the apple juice in the car.

However, I have spent the rest of the day wondering if I look like crap, like some kind of human disaster who has just crawled out from under a rock. What is it about me that inspires concern on the part of this woman each time I see her? Do other people notice how I look and think to themselves, "what is up with that guy?" but don't say anything for some reason? I am not going to be too self-conscious about it, but getting feedback about your appearance along the lines of "are you okay?" can affect your self-image for the day. Oh well.

Morning Moon

Morning Moon

I've not been sure what to post, so I haven't really done anything with my blog here for awhile. My biggest project is trying to finish up work for several classes, but everyone knows that, and therefore, is not really worth mentioning.

Although I may not have made much progress in the school department of my life, I have been making a lot of personal progress in creating a healthier lifestyle. I am not sleeping as much as I used to. The above picture of the moon at 4:00 a.m. is evidence of that. But, most people are sick about hearing about my so-called progress too.

In fact, the only thing that might be interesting is that I bought a recliner for ten bucks on Friday. I happened to see it at the St. Vincent DePaul store as I was driving by it after school. It was a bit of a trick loading it in the car and carrying up the stairs by myself, but somehow I managed it. Normally, I read my school books in bed, but I usually fall asleep if the books are too boring, which frankly, they can be. I figure that the recliner will be a better place to read.

Saturday, I cleaned the apartment top to bottom, which included doing a sink full of dishes by hand. I also rearranged the living room to accommodate my new piece of (shabby) furniture. Today, I read my school book. I need to write a two page paper and make a bunch of copies tomorrow, and then on Wednesday, I have to be in Salem to get the door of my car fixed. It has been stuck closed ever since some thief broke into the march before last. I have been climbing into the driver's seat from the passenger side of my car. I have gotten pretty adept at sliding in out of my car, and I am not as self-conscious about looking like some cheapo astronaut climbing into an Apollo module, but it will really be nice to open the driver's side door again. Not sure when I can post next, but maybe I will post a bit sooner than I have been.

Living in Limbo

Today, I managed to go to campus and tkae care of a few things, not the least of which is a making an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. I need to talk with the doctor about increasing my medication if it is possible or advisable to do so. I only spent about twenty minutes waiting to see the triage nurse to discuss why I needed to see a doctor. For some reason, the student health center was packed with sick people: one had a pretty rough cough, and another had "pink eye." I know this because one of the nurses mentioned it to the staff at the front desk, and everyone overheard (about seven students.) I guess privacy about one's health is not something that students really have as much as older patients might. Generally, students are a pretty healthy lot anyway, and they don't have much experience with clinics anyway. Therefore, if one of the clinic staff mentions, in a rather loud voice, that "Richard" has "mono," Richard is not likely to complain about it.

Another minor success for today--I did some grocery shopping. I bought some hot dogs, tea, and chicken. I would like to go to Costco sometime to buy some stuff for the freezer, but to be honest, I am not sure if I am going to have to move in a couple of weeks or not, so stocking the freezer now might be a pointless exercise. I've been thinking about getting a job, about moving to another apartment, or about moving back in with my parents temporarily. Money is getting low, and school options are running out. I am still not sure what I need to do at this point, but I am fairly certain that I will know more by the end of the week.

Tomorrow

Okay, so the optimism of the previous post might have been a little premature. I haven't accomplished much since Wednesday except catching up on too many naps. I am almost out of cash, and I needed to have written two fifteen page papers a month ago. I've lost my confidence, enthusiasm, and motivation for doing the work in the face of the failure to have done it before. And, I am not too sure what to do about it other than to keep trying until circumstances force a change.


Night Driving

Last Friday, I went for a drive around town looking at apartments that I might want to rent. (For a couple of reasons, I have to move out of the place I'm currently in, regardless of whether I have money or a job.) There seemed to be a nice place--sort of secluded, near the river and a park. It is very unlikely that I will move over there, but it was nice to think about it while I was looking. Of course, I don't want to paint too bleak a picture. There are some things I can do, and I am going to try and do a few of them tomorrow. The inertia of the moment feels like it is dragging me down a little bit, but I know I can work against it. As the cliche goes, tomorrow is another day.

Slow Going and Turning a Corner

Anyone who knows me, or has seen me in the past couple of months, is probably aware that I have been struggling with depression for some time. It is not really a big deal anymore at this point because I finally have accepted the whole medical/biological side of the whole thing. Yes, there have been some outside circumstances that have contributed to my condition, but for the most part, I am figuring out that the real deal is internal. And on that front, I have been changing quite a bit. I'm not going to say everything I have been doing to make things better, but I will say that I think it is starting to work a little bit.


Sunrise

The evidence for this has been the past couple of days. After a significant relapse of depression that was more intense than usual, I turned myself around. I spent all Sunday cleaning my apartment. That may not sound like a big deal, but the months' worth of clutter I slowly let accumulate was significantly out of control. Today, I went grocery shopping, took a twenty minute plus long walk (to the grocery store), and did a lot of research for one of my overdue papers. I also made myself breakfast and balanced my checkbook. (Of course, I am running out of cash, but I am not going to let that bother me just yet.) While this might seem like a normal day for the average graduate student, it was quite an accomplishment for me. As cornball as this sounds, I am going to be proud of myself. Tonight, I have planned a few more things that should clear the way to getting more work done on my papers. It may be too late to make a difference in the money department, but this next week is also an opportunity that I am not going to let slip away.

Animal Games

Part of the dilemma that I have been having about posting here on my blog has been that I have not really taken very many pictures lately. I feel that, since I can, I should at least post a picture or two, right? Well, the picture of bamboo to the left here is from March of last year. I will definitely need to charge up the batteries for my camera and stop spending so much time indoors. The other part of the dilemma is that I don't exactly know what to say. The things that have mostly been on my mind are either too trivial or too personal to mention.

Therefore, I suppose I should say something about Animal Crossing. (Trivial) Yeah, the game has been out for a couple of years already on the gamecube. Now, I myself don't have a gamecube and if I am vegging out with a videogame, it is probably something on my Playstation Two. But I heard about it, and I thought my sister would be interested so I bought it for her. Long story short, I think I created a monster. She played it, and she liked it. In fact, she bought her own gamecube console ($99) just to play that one game. Since the game is played in real time, and because a pixelated Turtle asked her to, she had to "visit" her town each day for a whole week to turn on a lighthouse.

I have to admit that the game is sort of fun in that there seems to be new stuff to discover every other week or so. I created my own character to play my sister's town. Consequently, my sister and I have been speaking a weird language which, if overheard by others, sounds rather absurd. I might be saying something like: "I gave another fish to the owl at the museum and there is a shovel for sale at the store, but you really have to write that duck a letter or she'll move out of town." Anyway, so much for that. I hope to post more often, but maybe I won't.