Rain and Reflections

For the last several days, my girlfriend has been in Hawai'i with her family enjoying the tide pools, volcanos and lava flows, and above all else the ocean. Except for the suana like heat and humidity, it is what everyone says it is: a tropical paradise. Her descriptions of how great it is there have reminded me of how much I miss her. So, I have been left by myself to work on my various papers and to get them done. So far so good, but I need to keep up my working pace and productivity during the next week to get them all done by the end of the month when school finally starts here.

The weather here has been decidedly cool and rainy, and it has been that way for the last several days. Consequently, my mood has changed somewhat. I don't like to think that mood is affected by the weather, but I have to admit that, to a small degree, it is. The bigger story here is that things are moving on here at school, sometimes without me. The Ph.D. students are taking their qualification exams, which frankly, I am worried that I wouldn't be able to pass it even if I was taking it. As a Masters degree student, I don't--at least, not yet. The mailbox that I was able to access from the hallway has now moved inside the office, something that has a bigger impact on than I think it should. It is a symbol that I will not be teaching in the fall. Only student-teachers have these mailboxes. To access my mailbox, I will have to go inside the office, and look at the faces of the administrative staff who know I am not teaching. I'm a little worried that I have missed some important handouts.


Rain on Bamboo

Now, to be fair and realistic, I don't think that anyone really cares a whole bunch. I mean, big deal, right? I am just another face in a constant parade of faces who have marched through these budilings over the years, and unlike the professors who sometimes stay for years, even in the best case scenario, I will only be around for another year. I am not the first who has been in this situation, nor will I be the last. The only thing to do at this point is to start from where I am and move forward. If I can't try for being the model student anymore, I can certainly try for the most improved. Every day is a new chance, a new opportunity to make a fresh beginning. That is the advice I try to keep in mind. And it ilustrates something that I have been trying to do a lot lately: that is, focus on the positive and try to be optimistic in order to propel myself forward. Over-worry, anxiety, and having regrets about the time that has passed only paralyzes motivation.

With that in mind, there are some positives that I can focus on right now. First, my computer is paid in full. Thanks to some help from my sister, I now have a computer to help me do the work I have chosen to do. Another positive: I am still enrolled here at school, and I have even bought books for my next term. (One of which is No-No Boy by John Okada, a book I have wanted to read for awhile.) Soon, I will visit the gym because that is another thing that will help my mood, but after I have written some solid pages for my paper.

Making Fiends

The first episode of season two is finally here, and I had to share it with everyone. What the heck am I talking about? No, not the new fall lineup on NBC, ABC, or CBS, but the new fall lineup of web cartoons! Okay, not really a whole line up, just one--Making Fiends--but already one of the greats. With classic lines like, "No! I am not a cheese," how can one resist? Created by Amy Winfrey and released monthly or so, many episodes pit the fiend-maker, Vendetta, against the friend-maker, Charlotte. The animation is good, and the jokes are pretty funny. If you haven't checked it out already, you should. Everyone should include a link to the Making Fiend site. And no, I do not work for them, or am otherwise associated with them, but yes, I still think you should check it out.

Three Links

Normally, on my blog here, I write about how I cannot seem to get any work despite my best intentions. Writer's block is indeed a terrible thing, but constantly talking about it here can only lead to eventual boredom. My girlfriend has observed that I have been singing a one note song for a few months, and truly, this was valuable feedback. I have primarily been griping about papers that everyone seems to be sick of hearing about. Every writer should consider the needs of the audience. And I am no exception to the rule. Therefore, even though I plan to continue to use this blog as a soundboard for my own thoughts, I figured I would present some links to other sites I find interesting and which I think you should see. There can be more boring posts about my papers later.

First, Pax Nortona has a rather harrowing account of being rescued by paramedics after experiencing an angina during memorial day. Fortunately, I have never had to be transported to a hospital in an ambulance of any kind, but my sisters have. Once my sister had a grand mal seizure, and I sat with her on the floor and held her until the paramedics arrived to take her to the hospital. It was a little scary. And it reinforced a strong, personal knowledge of the fact that no matter how long it takes for a EMT crew to arrive (or a police officer) it is always too long. However, it is nice to take these services for granted.

Which brings me to the second post, Bhutan. This blog is an account of an American othropedic surgeon (I think) who has been working and traveling in the small Asian country of Bhutan, apparently the only Buddhist Kingdom on the planet. As he says in his posts, infection is constantly a problem because patients usually can only get treatment a couple of days after their accidents. Some of the imagery has been hard to see as he sometimes posts pictures of the injuries he encounters, but other images of his travels within the country have been fascinating. It has been interesting to follow this blog over the past couple of weeks and think about the contrasts between the country in which I live and the country of Bhutan, a place many people may not have even heard about. I think that this is the best kind of blogging, the kind that both opens the world up to you and makes you think critically about important issues.

The final post is a fascinating magazine interview with Alexander Yuvchenko, one of the engineers to survive the meltdown of the Chernobyl nuclear reactor in the eighties, an interview found in New Scientist magazine. (I found out about this through the blog Incoming Signals, a cool site for interesting links that should be occasionally checked by everyone.) For me, the scariest part of the whole interview is when Yuvchenko describes the eerie blue light emanating from what was left of the reactor core and shooting up like a laser beam straight into the night sky. Definitely required reading for anyone who remembers the incident, or anyone worried about the nuclear power, nuclear weapons, or the future. I distinctly remember how the news organizations from that time were tracking the radioactive cloud that traveled the in the jet stream of the northern hemisphere of the globe. If you don't already know about the Chernobyl accident, you should.

That's all of the links for now; now, it is back to work on those papers I mentioned in the beginning of the blog. I am getting over the worst of the writer's block, and I recently received some good news that I hope encourages me to success in the future. I'll probably post about that good news later, but for the time being, here's wishing myself luck.

Fall Approaches

I haven't been feeling myself lately, partially I think because of the change of weather. It has been a little bit cooler and a bit more cloudier, especially in the morning, all of which is a reminder that school will be beginning soon and I still haven't yet completed my papers from spring term. I know that I have complained to much here about something that has largely been within my own control, therefore, I will try to keep my thoughts about the unfinished work short.

Although I forget in which book I was reading it, I recently came across some advice for overcoming writer's block, something that every writer supposedly experiences at one time or another. This is my first real, a most severe case of it. I have put off assignments before. In my undergraduate days, there were a couple of 3-5 page papers that I put off until I was sometimes the very last person in the computer lab when they shut it down at 2:00 a.m. and the first person to be there in the morning when they opened it at 7:00 a.m. A marathon session at the computer would be all I needed to get the work in on time. Part of me does not want to believe that I am experiencing writer's block at all right now, but the facts are staring me in the face. Feedback, wanted and unwanted, from my girlfriend and my family has helped me see the extent to which this has affected me, and by extension, them. And it has not been pretty.


Fall Approaches

Anyway, the advice in the book was simply this: A famous writer says that she allows "sentences to be as stupid as they wish." I think that my problem is that I have placed so much pressure on doing these papers perfectly, I have nursed too many fears that the paper will earn a poor mark, I have wasted so much energy worrying about a future not being at school anymore, that I have become paralyzed. I keep waiting for the perfect sentence to spring into my head so I can put it on paper. The trouble is (and I intellectually knew it all along) that the perfect sentence is developed later, like muscles, on the skeleton sentence you place in the draft. This is basic writing process kind of stuff.

In any event, with the new approach of letting my sentences "be as stupid as they wish," I am going to try to knock a full draft of my half-completed paper either by the end of today or at least by sometime tomorrow. This has to been done because there is no more avoiding it. I will post another brief blog entry when I have it done. Until then.

Maintenance Needed

Even though I have been working really hard to get everything completed as far as my papers go, life continues to go on without any regard for how much work I have left. I can't very well ask for the world to stop spinning for a couple of weeks so I can get it all done. So this morning, I had to take care of something that could not wait, my car needed some maintenance. The battery was starting to complain with the universally recognizable "urrr, urrr, urr" sound that meant it would soon die, or commit suicide, in place not of my choosing. Also, the brake light had been on for about a week, which to my mind was getting to be too long, as I was having nightmare vision of shooting off the edge of the coastal cliffs frantically pumping the brakes to no avail. Here's me: "Ahhhh!" And then, the brakes go: "Do what? What did you want me to do? Oh, and quit stomping on my head."


Maintenance Needed

Therefore, last night, I checked the fluid in the battery, which appeared to be fine. (Of course, the secret here is that I wouldn't know if it wasn't fine. All I could check on was whether or not it was full or not. It was full, thank goodness.) Then I poured a dilute solution of baking soda on the battery terminals to see if that would somehow help. I must have used too much baking soda because there was plenty of green toxic fizz bubbling all over the top of the thing to scare away a nearby cat. It reminded me of when I worked at a local factory. ("Dude, drop a little of that hydrochloric acid in that caustic soda barrel, will ya? It'll be cool!" Meanwhile, BOOM!) I then filled up the brake fluid reservoir, which took me forever to find. Apparently, it is super important not to get dirt or dust in the reservoir, and so I didn't. But that was a bit of a challenge--half of the car is made from dirt, and the other half is held together by it. Then, I drove around on the freeway for about a half hour to see if that would charge up the battery. I'm not the most mechanical guy in the world, but I impressed myself by being able to do this much.

Unfortunately, while the brake fluid fixed the one problem, the battery was still having trouble. So after driving my girlfriend to work, I drove the car to Les Schwab and bought a new battery. Apparently, this was the last trip I was going to get out of the car because it died immediately after I parked it. The battery is dead, long live the battery! The mechanic said that the battery was at the end of its life cycle anyway, since the battery was only supposed to last five years, which was as long as I had owned it.

Of course, the really fun part of this story is this: even though the battery will get the car going and keep it going, the alternator is bad (according the mechanic and his battery-o-meter). Therefore, the alternator will have to be replaced. And in his words, it will be a real "difficult" to get out. His wording made me think that he assumed I was going to do it myself. I guess I look like a so-called "good 'ol boy" to most mechanics; therefore, they often assume I should know how to rebuild things like carburetors and diesel engines, since that is what I should be doing with my time on the weekends. They happily took my 60 bucks and wished me, and my nearly-dead alternator, well. Sometimes, even though I like driving, I really hate cars.

Buck Rogers: Attack of the Seventies

This morning, after making breakfast, packing a lunch for my girlfriend, and sending her off to work, I watched a few moments of television and saw something that I had not seen in nearly twenty years. On the Sci-fi channel they were playing re-runs of Buck Rogers. Wow, what a cheesy 80's show! How many references can one show make to Disco? It is sobering, and a little scary, to realize that this thing had won some emmys. Even as a kid, I remember thinking to myself that it was a little silly, but I had no idea how silly until I saw this particular repeat, which coincidentally was an episode that I remembered as one of my favorites, Cosmic Whiz Kid.

To summarize, Gary Coleman (yes, that Gary Coleman) plays Hieronymous Fox, the president of some other planet of humans. He is a child super genius, who, like Buck, is from the twentieth century, and who is kidnapped by some intergalactic criminal. Why? For ransom of course, 2.5 pounds of pure quadrillium to be exact. So Gary's bodyguard, a woman named Dia Cyrton, kidnaps Buck Rogers in turn to rescue Gary, right while Buck is listening to Three Dog Night (yes, that Three Dog Night). Oh the humanity! As a bodyguard, I have to say that Dia seems pretty useless, so all of the standard nerd questions apply here. Questions like: how come the president of an entire planet only has one bodyguard, a slight female, who, as far as her bodyguard role is concerned, dresses in spandex, is completely unable to fight the bad guys, and shamelessly flirts with her own captive when effecting a rather leisurely rescue? The best part of her "outfit" is that she carries a metallic purse everywhere she goes, which apparently she keeps her laser blaster and nothing else. But get this, Gary escapes on his own, eliminating the need for a rescue! What was the point of this show again?


Buck and Gary

As a kid, I thought the show was pretty cool because of the laser weapons, the awesome looking spacecraft, and, looking back on it now, the easy to understand plots. The robot, Twiki, I never really liked much--bee-dee, bee-dee, beep! As an adult, I wonder how this show ever got made. It looks like it was riding the success of Star Trek, Star Wars, and Battlestar Galactica--all of which have had their share of silliness. Of course, absolutely nothing beats Buck Rogers in that department. When I left to go to school, our hero Buck and an official delegation from another star system were watching a special Earth performance of--ROLLER DISCO!. If aliens ever do invade to try take over the planet, and we show them stuff like that, I am sure we could easily defeat them by taking their weapons while they were doubled over on the floor laughing hysterically.

Childhood Flashbacks

When I was about ten, my mom married someone who she probably shouldn't have, and as he had kids, I was introduced to a new step-brother and sister. At the time, being a kid who was not practiced in the art of self-reflection, I adjusted to this new fact pretty well. This new brother and sister were not over for a visit all of the time, but enough for us to get to know each other fairly well. My new step-sister was an interesting companion. I remember playing my colecovision with my step-sister and excluding my other sister from whatever we were doing. It was not the enlightened thing to do, but I was about ten, and as the cliche goes, kids can be cruel. Of course, this arrangement did not last long as my mom divorced that guy, and the step-sister and step-brother faded away into my personal history.

That is, until today. My ex-step-sister (could there BE any more hyphens!) decided to vacation in the area from Texas, and she thought it would be fun for a spontaneous visit. We somehow agreed to meet at a Starbucks for coffee. I suppose I could have been more hospitable, but I wasn't expecting her to show up in my town, so it had to be Starbucks for the time being. We didn't catch up on what had happened since we last saw each other so much as we were reintroduced to each other for the first time, again. It was slightly odd, but the bottom line is that she and her boyfriend seem like very nice people. They're some of the good guys.


Filming

Nothing much else has happened lately, except on Friday when they were filming a movie on campus. And this was not one of the those small student produced affairs that are likely happening here all of the time, this was an official, full-production-values Hollywood type of thing. But I am guessing, in Hollywood terms, this was a rather small affair. Still it was interesting and drew quite a crowd. I couldn't get close enough to see any of the acting, and I tried to take a picture of the filming as it was happening, but nothing turned out well. As you can tell from the above picture, there were official acting trailers and equipment vans that were parked along the normal pay parking spaces. What you can't see are the vans and trailers parked up and down the street. If I hear which movie they were filming here, I'll post an update.

In any case, my work continues. I'm still trying to hammer out a respectable paper that can be turned in tomorrow morning. I feel pretty good about it, and what is more, I should have a grade on another paper that has been previously turned in. Thankfully, things are beginning to look up. All of these incompletes should be done either by the end of this week, or the middle of next. A lot of it depends on how the professors are able to work with my schedule. I can't tell you how much I (and everyone else) am looking forward to finally being rid of these monkeys (Eek oop oop!) on my back.

Giving them the Business

Way back in January, I did not have much of an internet connection. So I decided that I would try to install some earthlink software so I could use it free for a couple of months before I figured out something better. Unfortunately, the Earthlink software wouldn't really work on my computer because the computer was manufactured sometime between when the earth first cooled and people began building pyramids. Oh well, I thought, I guess I'll have to figure something out sooner than I thought. And of course, I promptly forgot about it.

That is, until July, when I noticed that there were charges on my bill from Earthlink. When I called up customer service, which took me a long time to do because their 1-800-number is a kind of a secret, the person on the other end of the line was less than helpful. I was frustrated, so I asked him if he as a representative of Earthlink was going to charge me for a service I never used, essentially taking money away from me and giving me nothing in return. Of course, the guy said that was exactly what he planned to do, and other than cancel my service, there was nothing else we would do for me. Let's just say it was a bad day for me. But once again, I decided that I would forget about it and chalk the whole thing up as a learning experience.

That is, until today, when--guess what--I received a bill from Earthlink charging me $37.00 dollars. You might ask: for what? Good question. I haven't the slightest idea, something about a return item charge and an associated return item fee. Apparently, they not only want to charge for not only for returning something, but they want to add an extra charge on top of that just because they apparently hate to have stuff returned. Of course, I think this is wonderful policy. However, I guess I should clarify that it is wonderful only if you want your customers to hate you. It is exactly the kind of thing that inspire people to create "I hate so-and-so company" websites.

You might think that I would call the company and ask them what the hell they were smoking in their accounts receivable department, and that is just what I did. Fortunately, I got to talk to a guy who seemed to actually working for the forces of good. He said he did not know why my account had not been cancelled the first time. There was even a note in his computer saying that I had called to cancel. But, even better, he also saw that I had never used the service (how they can tell I don't know). Therefore, not only was he going to cancel the unknown $37.00 charge, he was going to send me a $90.00 dollar refund. Holy Crap! This sort of thing is not supposed to happen. I am so used to being told poor customer service is somehow my own fault that I was truly shocked. I made sure to tell the guy that, not only was he doing a great job, but he had made my day. I told him he had redeemed my faith in humanity (but only just little bit).

This is in direct contrast to a phonecall I received at 8:30 a.m. the other morning. I figure someone calling that early must be someone important, like a family member or a doctor, with important news that can't wait until a more decent hour of the day. Of course, it was telemarketer.

Incredulous, I said: "Do you realize it is 8:30 in the morning?"
The telemarketer says, "Well, I am sorry sir, but we are in our legal right to call."
I said: "Okay, well take my name off of your whatever list so I don't get called by you guys again."
She, "our whatever list?"
I, "Yes, I believe that I am within my legal right to request that you put me on your do not call list and that is exactly what I am doing right now."

And then she hung up. I wish these major corporations would figure out a better way to sell their products, and I wish that old people had someone to talk to. They're the only large group of people I can figure who are buying stuff on the telephone. Please people, do your civic duty and make them (the telephone sellers and the telephone buyers) stop. Please make them stop.

The Score: (2/0)

It is almost the end of the week, and I am still very busy at work trying to crank out the last of the papers that have been dogging me since the end of last term. Thankfully, the monster paper that had been eating away at me for months is finally complete and turned in, and now, I only have one and a half more to go. (The score mentioned in a previous blog is now: 2/0.) It is has not been easy to churn out thoughtful, academic words on paper, but, other than the extreme time crunch right now, I feel better about getting it done now than I did three or four weeks ago.


summer benches

I have finally turned a corner on this block I had, so, if all goes according to plan, I should have all of this work done by Monday--every last stinking bit of it. That means, no more reading about me here in the blog griping about work I have to do, something which, it has been pointed out to me, I have tendency to do. However, I also did not want to give the impression that I have abandoned my blog, so I present to you a picture that I took in June. Enjoy.

UPDATE: I guess the game is not going as good as I initially thought it was. One of the papers that I turned in, the small two page prospectus, was not quite up to snuff according to my professor. I'm not sure if this means that I have to redo it, or if I have to take the bad grade for it and move on. (Is the score back to 2/1, or does it remain at 2/0?) On the one hand, I am grateful for the feedback during the summer. I mean, he could have chose not to read it until the beginning of fall term. However, I was really hoping that the paper would have cut it. I was depressed for the rest of that day figuring out what my next move should be. This might change my upcoming plans for the fall, but I'm still hoping that I can pull it off afterall.

The other day, I ran into a small group of fellow graduate students talking about their summers. I did not have the courage to ask them why they were there for fear of exposing myself as someone struggling with the program. Unfortunately, I fear that they might have been on campus that day for a mini-conference about the fall classes they will teach. If that was indeed the reason why they were there, then they already know something is up by virtue of my not being there with them. Since there is nothing I can do about it now, I will not expend any more energy worrying about it. As for the papers and finishing up the work that I am mired in, I am thinking that now is the when the real test sets in. Although I have set myself on a new path, and changed some old behaviors, the novelty of the change is wearing off. Consequently, I am going to have to figure out a way to push my way forward and finish all my work, even though the chain of monotony is beginning to pinch a little.

Thieves (Phishing)

Although I've not had a laptop for very long, not even a full year yet, I've already become very attached to it. I use it to write my papers, develop my blog, and yes, I use it to help manage my finances. I use both Quicken, which I think is a great way to track my money, and the online services of my bank. Rather than be charged $1.00 for an ATM mini-statement because I can't figure out if the Costco hot dog I want to buy will put me over, I can surf over to my bank, log on and see what they say I have. Sure, I could try and keep track of it by writing it all down, but that takes too much time and math than I really want to put up with in a day.

Other than be impressed with the convenience of online banking, I really thought nothing much of it. And I thought nothing much of the following E-mail I received in my junk e-mail folder this afternoon.

Dear US Bank Customer,
During out regular update and verification of the Internet Banking Accounts, we could not verify your current information. Either your information has been changed or incomplete, as a result your access to use our services has been limited. Please update your information.
However, failure to update your records will result in account suspension.
This notification expires on August 11, 2004

To update your account information and start using our services please click the link below: [link to their phony USBank page which looks like the real thing]

My online E-mail accounts are always putting things in the junk e-mail folder that don't really belong there. Like movie cowboys, they put stuff there first and ask questions later. I dutifully logged in with my screen-name and password and began filling out their form. Until I realized that they were not supposed to be asking me for my debit card and pin number. Too late, I looked in the corner of my screen and saw that the lock was in the open position. I had fallen for it.

I quickly logged onto my online account and saw that thieves had already downloaded a personal banking statement. Consequently, even though I had not keyed in my debit or pin number, they still had my account information because I had inadvertently given them my online id and password. Quickly, I called the USBank number and found my way through the phonetree to the place where I could report fraud. The woman on the other end of the line was friendly enough, but I had to cancel everything. They said that they were going to send me replacement checks and a debit card as soon as they could. All of this has been really aggravating, but I am kicking myself for not noticing that the site was not encrypted earlier.

But this is not the only run-in I've had with thieves this week. Yesterday, my girlfriend's car was stolen. Fortunately, it was recovered that same morning but not before they made off with about one hundred dollars worth of camping supplies and equipment. You may remember from my post in May that my car had been stolen as well. Like that last time, the thieves had driven the car only a few blocks away, and they had ransacked it looking for any items of value, but unlike last time, they actually found something to steal and, in all likelihood, sell.

The police officer this time was a nice young guy who said that car thieves usually use a worn out keys to get the cars started. He said that they can just walk up to a car as bold as brass and have it running in a couple of seconds. He took some fingerprints off of the rear-view mirror before releasing the car back to us. My girlfriend went through many of the same emotions I did when I had my car stolen.

What is wrong with these people? I know that there is a lot of hardship out there, like homelessness and drug addiction, and these things can sometimes lead some people to desperate actions. Intellectually, I know that being detached from material possessions is a virtue that should be developed. But what happened to kindness and consideration for your fellow human being? I can't see what would give an otherwise normal person the ability to take without permission something that does not belong to them. Could you do it? Could you steal someone's car in order to sell the things they left inside? Would you empty out someone's bank account of their last twenty dollars? I don't think I ever would or could, especially after knowing how it feels.

UPDATE: Apparently, this kind of "phishing" for sensitive information is on the rise, and it doesn't just target USBank. Many corporations are being "spoofed," in order to fool customers into giving up sensitive information. If you don't know what "phishing" or "spoofing" is, look it up on Google news. You'll need to find out sooner rather than later, especially if you do business on the Internet. Here is a news article that discusses the issue. If you have a suspicious e-mail that wants you to update something on your account, find a way to report it. I realized too late that if I had read this bogus e-mail carefully, rather than respond emotionally to it, I would have discovered the gramatical error. (Did you catch it? Here it is: "Either your account has been changed or [IS] incomplete." I seriously dislike these kind of people.) While I haven't read all of it yet, this site [antiphishing.org] appears to have some excellent information about the evil tactics these people use and some good information on how to protect yourself as well. Recommended reading for everyone.

Ongoing Work

So while I didn't do as much work as I may have wanted to over the weekend, I did manage to get some good work done on my papers, including reserving the requisite research books from the library. (Now, I await an e-mail from them letting me know when to pick them up.) I'm already going through two books on Victorian Ideas about race and ethnology rather solidly, and the books I am awaiting on are all about blogging. Today, I will spend some afternoon time in the library checking out some books on Kenneth Burke. It's a mad rush to get all of this done, but I am both optimistic and hopeful that I can pull it off.

In a way, I can't wait to write my paper about blogging. I've been reading the articles on this site "Into the Blogosphere," and I find some of the ideas a bit interesting. Of course, gathering from what little I have read of it so far, it is chock full with the academic jargon that so many people find painfully boring to read. I think that t here is such much to do with this field right now. Of course, one of the things that has been coming in the media lately is how blogging is like any other fad; therefore, it should be ignored until it goes away. While the hype surrounding it may die down a little (as more and more people get sick of hearing about blogs), while a new technology may supersede it, that idea of having your own site for personal expression on the web will not likely disappear, even though the form may change. To me, that is the crux of blogging. Therefore, it is as worthy of academic attention as anything. After all, if the English graduate students of the eighties can write long dissertations about Star Trek, why can't there also be studies about blogging?

Also, perhaps on a different tack, I guess I want to mention how I've been using Microsoft's One Note a lot lately. Mostly, I use it to write out my thoughts about my research papers, to include snippets of the stuff I am reading, and to do some of the pre-writing that I find necessary to do before I draft my actual paper. While some people might find this a little uptight or downright annoying, compared to the old way I used to do this kind of thing (write everything out on loose sheets of paper I couldn't read or find later), I find this method a little easier. Of course, it makes me think that the real cool use of this program could come from using one of the new-fangled tablet PC's. The ability to write and draw in this program is a little tantalizing, but alas, this remains a financial impossibility for the foreseeable future. Perhaps one day.

Money and Work

This summer has got to be one of the most difficult that I have had in awhile, primarily because I don't have any money, and noone I know has any more that they can lend me. Of course, I could get a job and try to earn some cash to pay all those who have already lent me enough to eat and pay rent, but I really have to finish up some assignments here at school before I can do that. Thankfully, I have enough of he green stuff to make it through the next couple weeks (I think), and that should be all of the time I need to get back on my feet financially and career wise. However, in order to get to that point, I had to close out my savings account this morning--an account that I have had for the past fifteen years. I guess it is no big loss since I can always open a new account when I get money again. There wasn't much money in there anyway.


Stairwell Vertigo

So, I suppose that an update is in order concerning the work that still remains ahead of me to do. Out of three big papers, and two little ones, I have completed one big and will complete at least one small today. Therefore the score looks like this: (3/2 --> 2/1). By next wednesday, I hope to have it all done, except for the final big essay. That essay requires that I spend a lot of time in the library, but I think that I can hand it in that friday (God willing).

Everything I've already written about in previous posts (defeating my personal demons) still applies, Grendel is in the process of being vanquished. Of course, with this new refocusing on my papers, I can't work too much more on Angry Bear Comics for the next week or so. Today, I just posted a new comic that I had already drawn a few days ago, and soon, I will post another that also had already been drawn. I am still committed to making this comic project fly, but I need divert energy to my schoolwork, which is where it is needed most.

Angry Bear Comics

As everyone who reads this blog has heard lately, I am struggling with getting a bunch of work done. Frankly, the pressure is getting to me, but as my last post indicates, I am still trying to tap into the Hero energy and fight through my dark moments, to vanquish Grendel and his minions bare-handed. However, not all of my work involves chaining myself to an office desk so I can type. Some of it involves thinking and digesting the material I am researching. Thus, while thinking about the way Victorians considered the concept of race, or how their concepts of science influenced them (for example), I have returned to another love: drawing. Of course, I can't draw anything terribly elaborate or complicated because that takes another kind of thinking. Thus, I turn to the comic form, a form that lets one draw without thinking too hard while doing it.

Pretty much since the inception of this blog, I have included a link to PvP and Kevin and Kell, cartoons that at one point in time, could only be found on the Internet. I have spent months faithfully reading them, just as I would faithfully seek out the Sunday comics section every weekend as kid reading the paper. However, this is not some kind of weird obsession, just an easy entertainment that distracts when one needs distraction.

When Blogger has introduced there new blogging improvements and released software for posting picture on the web, I began to think to myself: "Hey, how hard can this comic thing be?" (On one level, I am sure it is as hard as you want to make it.) Wouldn't it be fun to see if I could write and draw comics on my own? Therefore, with a few spare minutes doing some after dinner drawing, and a little more tweaking of HTML while watching Late Night with Conan O'Brien, I have created Angry Bear Comics. Don't expect too much. I have taken the position that this is an experiment that just might lead to an enjoyable hobby that helps me de-stress when I need to. Enjoy, if you are so inclined visit, and be sure to leave a comment when you do.

Defeating Grendel

Finally, I have finished the paper that has dogged me for too long, and I can't tell you how happy I am that it is behind me. I am sure that everyone who knows me will be more than glad that I have gotten this ugly thing off of my back, not least of all my professors. After ten months of working with the thing off and on, I can now say that I no longer have to think about the argument, the book which was the topic, or all of the research I did for it ever again!

Of course, this is not to say that the paper is the best thing I have ever written. Far from it, this paper feels more like Frakenstein than anything else, mostly because it is patched together from several abortive attempts. The Frakenstein analogy is oddly appropriate because I have been thinking of monsters for the last couple of weeks.

One of the methods that was suggested to me recently to help get myself motivated to complete all of this needed work was to imagine myself in mythological or heroic terms. Before anyone mentions how silly this sounds (or worse, laughs), please be aware that I am already aware of the silliness inherent in such an imaginative exercise. But, then I got to thinking about it. What was the purpose of the Odyssey, Beowulf, the Illiad, or all of the various tribal stories told in our world's past if not to model to others how to act or get things done? They were their respective societies model's of courage, heroism, and virtue. All of which were things to be emulated.

Primarily, I am thinking of Beowulf. He was a warrior who left his homeland to sail across the sea and fight a horrible monster barehanded. He eventually had to descend under the sea to completely vanquish the terror that plagued the HalfDanes. And even far below the water, struggling with the monster, his initial attempts did not work. The sword bounced harmlessly off the monster's hide. Yet, with some ingenuity, and a nearby sword that only he can wield, he finally defeated it.

It is not too hard to analogize this plot to everyday problem solving. You need courage to face your demons, and sometimes it may feel like you are drowning under an entire ocean when you are struggling fiercest against your troubles. And even as you attack them with what you have in hand, it may not seem like you are getting anywhere. You have to, somehow, reach deep within yourself and draw on something new to make any progress. You have to be persistent, clever, and hard-working. However, if you can do it, the rewards are worth it.

My fight against this round of academic papers are not over yet, but I think I have at least fought off my own Grendel. There are many more monsters ahead, but I now know that I can do it. All I need to remember is how to muster the courage to keep fighting even when I most want to give up. These next few weeks are the most crucial for me and, perhaps, also the most difficult; they are my place under the ocean. But I am determined not to drown.

A Rain Lesson

Thankfully, it rained a little yesterday, and I think it may have happened again tonight. Unfortunately, I was in the office when it happened, but I can't tell you how much it was appreciated, even with just the windows open. The heat around here has been a bit unbearable, so I am going to continue to hope for a rain reprieve. Living in a place where it rains a lot, one begins to miss the downpours like an old friend, especially if it doesn't rain at all for more than three or four weeks straight. You enjoy the cool and clouds as much as possible. Anything else feels different.


Summer Backyard 

I have made some significant progress on my work, even to the point where I am beginning to feel hope again that I will salvage what has been a rough start to the summer. I think that I have a good argument for my current project, it just needs to be solidified a bit more to engage more of the actual text I'm examining and less of the required theory. Of course, the whole point of the silly paper is to talk about the theory, so, to some extent, there is no avoiding it. I think that the project will at least be something that my professor can appreciate.

And, of course, all of this progress has made me feel like I can start thinking about the design for a writing course that I hope to teach in the fall. The main emphasis for this course, if I can somehow make it through these "dog days," will not be on the writing process, as it was in my own undergraduate studies. Rather, the curriculum here emphasizes the necessity for a logical argument that arises naturally from the course materials and the "questions-at-issue" that evolve from class discussions. Therefore, I will really start having to look for well-written essays that I feel will help me guide students to thought provoking issues, and at the same time, be something that will hold my admittedly fleeting (and technologically leaning) interests. Although I have already indicated on my course materials list that I wanted a specific text, a reader, I haven't had much time to browse through the essays and develop the proper notes for them. Oh well, I am sure that this will all come in due time. Right now, it is back to the essay at hand.

Work Continues

I haven't posted much lately, but that is because I'm still working on my papers that I haven't yet finished from the previous term. I'm just about finished with the first paper, and soon, I will be going to the library to start on the second. I believe that once I get this paper done, a paper that has been dogging me for months, the others will go much more quickly. The most difficult thing so far about this first paper has been getting the argument right. I think of it like an old wind-up watch--just when I think I have the first mechanism set perfectly, the other mechanisms twist slightly askew. The minutiae of the work can be frustrating, but I'm sure once it is perfect, I'll finally have the sense of accomplishment I am striving for.


The Library Again 

Aside from my unfinished papers, it has been inordinately hot around here lately. Everyone has been staying up later and later. Tonight, we heard people outside playing with their children at 10:00 p.m. Good Grief! Whatever happened to curfews. Of course, we could also smell their barbeque, which caused a small measure of envy on our part. I suppose that not having BBQ is actually a good thing because, as I have spent the majority of my time behind a desk lately, I haven't gotten much exercise, but as these things goes, my appetite remains at the usual levels. Consequently, my adult male belly has been gently growing outwards with a satisfied reach over my beltline. One of the many goals that I have for the summer is to work out more and to try and get more exercise at the gym. To that generalaim of being more healthy, I have been taking the four flights of stairs up to my office instead of using the elevator in my building. Mind, when I do so, I usually have a twenty pound backpack on and am carrying about ten pounds in the other hand (a laptop and lunch). However, this stair climb may have to stop for the next couple of days. It's hard to concentrate in a hot office when you're a little winded and your shirt is drenched in sweat. Thankfully, as it is summer, none of my officemates have to endure the unique aroma of an out-of-shape coworker.

Motivation

I need some personal motivation right now to get going on some projects that have been left undone for far too long. Right now, I have an opportunity that I do not want to lose. Therefore, this post will help me clarify for myself what it is that I am working for, and how I believe I will achieve that

Winston Churchill says "Kites rise highest against the wind--not with it." Another person, Jane Smiley, said: "In my experience, there is only one motivation and that is desire. No other reasons or principle contain it or stand against it." Other advice I have found suggests that it is helpful to state your goals and envision both the results of your actions and the process you intend to follow to achieve them.

Therefore, the following are my Goals: I will meet all of the deadlines I have previously delineated in a letter for my professor that has already been delivered to her. The deadlines are July 12th, 17th, 21st, 24th, and August 6th. When I turn in the required assignments, I will email my professor immediately. I will follow up on the results of my work during the week of August 9th. These assignments will be high-level work that has been thoroughly researched, understood, and will also be well communicated, highly polished prose. These papers will exhibit a high degree of critical thinking and will be good examples of academic writing.

The Process: I will devote a significant portion, several hours, of every day before the final, ultimate deadline to writing and researching these papers. I will not begin to revise before I have finished drafting. My first step in the writing process will be developing the main features of the argument, so that I have a rough framework to hang my writing on. For each day's preparation, I will try to do ten minutes of free-writing about my thoughts concerning the assigned topic. I will not become bogged down by the extraneous nuances of the work or the argument, but will focus on the crux of every issue. I will use the checklist I have for writing persuasive papers. I will not spend more than thirty minutes on the Internet checking mail, or looking at news. I will review my goals at the beginning of every work day. I will review the results of my effort at the end of every day.

The Results: In September, I will be an interested, high-achieving student who makes a good impression on his professors because of the high quality of his work and intense dedication as a scholar. I will be an accomplished and well-prepared student instructor who assists his freshman students in achieving their goals as writers, and I will supply them with the necessary writing skills to succeed in their future classes. I can see myself in my graduate courses arguing an important and interesting point about our assigned texts. I will have read every text and have all my assignments completed on time. I will be the most-improved student and will achieve some measure of distinction for being so.

Finally, what needs to be mentioned is how, while all of these goals center on my life as a student and future instructor, there are numerous goals concerning my relationship that I haven't mentioned here. For example, among these goals, I will devote the necessary time into being a good partner and take responsibility for my actions and behavior. I will protect the needs of my partner and not impinge too harshly on our needs to be together.

While I may continue to post on my blog from time to time, I will return to these goals and continue to find and develop the necessary motivation to achieve success. Frank Clark says "Everyone is trying to accomplish something big, not realizing that life is made up of little things." Stephen Covey, a guy I normally detest, said "Motivation is a fire from within. If someone else tries to light that fire under you, chances are it will burn briefly." That is something that I can agree with. Overall, the message for me is that I have to find the desire to succeed inside myself; I have to return to that desire often and use it as kindling to spark my individual efforts every day. And, I need to accept the responsibility of my actions so that I am not distracted by what could have been, but focus on what can be, and what will be if I work for it.

A New Hope

Today, I had a meeting with my professor to work out a plan where I could finish up work that I had not completed during last term. I think that everything may be able to work out after all, but I have to admit that I was really worried about it. In a lot of ways, I think that the worry about it made it more difficult to actually buckle down and get what I needed to done. However, even though it was somewhat embarrassing to try and explain why I haven't been able to turn things in on time, I feel a little better. It's not everyday that someone's car is stolen. That can really put a damper on your ability to concentrate and get things done.


The quad 

As far as a status report goes, I am nearly finished with the first major paper that needs to be completed. I have chosen a particular short story by Tim O'Brien, and I want to argue that his desire to create a "story-truth"--something that is achieved by the story "feeling" true, rather than actually "seeming" true--is an attempt to control how the reader responds to his text. While this is not necessarily bad, it is reflection of Bakhtin's description of the centripetal and centrifugal forces in the text. On the one hand, O'Brien tries to assert a particular meaning, on the other hand, the text itself tries to spin that meaning beyond what he intends. It is a little convoluted right now, but I think that with a little more work over the weekend, I will have a decent enough paper to turn in be acceptable.

Cleaning House and Cable

So today, we cleaned the house making it look fairly decent. At least decent enough for the Comcast cable guy to come back and install the other room outlets like I had asked him to a week ago. As we live in student housing, when the cable guy arrived the first time, he did not want to drill into the wall without explicit written permission from the main student housing office; and at the time, I did not want to get dressed and try and convince this guy, who was obviously in a tremendous hurry, to wait about half and hour while I sorted things out. A day later, when I mustered the required mental and emotional resources to deal with the hassle, I got the required permission from the college, called the cable company back, and complained. Turns out the first cable guy was not an official company person, but a contractor. This explains why he was in such a hurry to get out of here and do other work. He was probably working on comission.

And that's not all. I have a separate Internet package with the same company, and installing the modem myself has been a pain in the neck. Although I've done everything correctly, the Internet will only work occasionally. You're taking your chances at our place if you really want to be on the Net. Right now, it's more of an Inter-not! So, tomorrow, I will wait for another cable (modem) guy to figure out what the heck is going on. As near as I can figure, the problem is an inordinate amount of FCC type of interference. Why else would the thing work better at night. Coincidentally, there are less wavy lines in the TV programs at night as well. And I'm stumped where the possible interference could be coming from. I've imagined everything from cable theives tapping into our line here at home to some student operating a HAM radio in his apartment trying to conduct conversations with China. Hey, it could happen. We'll see what happens this afternoon.

Update: Well, the hassle continues. The cable guy could not install the outlets for a reason I only half understand. The guy who was here a few minutes ago told me that he could do what I wanted for a whole lot more money. To say that I'm frustrated by the whole cable process is an extreme understatement. I hate feeling like I'm paying for a service that I don't receive. Why do corporations think that they can do this?

Not a Photo-Blog: Part II

Happy fourth of July! After a slow start in the morning trying work out some various Internet issues, I got in my car and returned to the office to work on my paper. I am currently sitting in the ugly orange chair from a previous picture of my cave-like office. I am just taking a very small break from my paper to report to any readers I have out there that I am still around, but just not as able to post because of the work. Therefore, as time is short, I present another picture:


The Burden of Books 

This picture is of the books that I have stacked on my desk right now. Soon, I will have to clear them off, as I may be reassigned a new office for the fall. I really shouldn't be spending so much time here, especially on the holiday, but I've been a grouch lately and a real pain to those around me. I'm sure that they need the break. And I really have to get this paper done. Therefore, right now I'm going to turn to another stack of books similar to the one pictured, reopen my word processor program, and like an alaskan sled dog, continue to mush.