Zhaf and the Cellar

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Getting it in Control 

Crane and Geese

Things haven't seemed to be going right for the past couple of days. I have a hard time talking with people without getting angry. The slightest irritation on someone's else behalf gets me going. I've been really trying hard to get it all under control. I think I need to center myself somehow, and to do that, I think I need some time alone. I have also had problems with allergies for the last two weeks. It affects my sleeping, and it makes it hard to breath sometimes. I know that these two things are unrelated, but I am sure it would be easier to control the anger if I hadn't had the allergies to deal with. It is like constantly being interrupted when you're trying to get it all under control.

Part of my relaxation technique is to get away for a little while at a time. The above picture is from one of those trips. It was one of the first times I have seen a crane at this particular location. In addition to the crane, there were the usual Canadian Geese, and in other photographs I have (which aren't as good) there is a nutria. At least, I think it is a nutria. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but it was pretty cool to see.

:: z. 12:07 PM [+] Permalink ::

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Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Steps in Front of Others 

I've spent the last few days at work preparing a large submission for a specific trade magazine. The major part of it is about nine pages single space with one inch margins. For those of you who have typed term papers and the like, you know how much that really is. Anyway, for the project, I had to learn a lot about local history: stuff about pioneering trails, historic pioneer farms, and the like. It has been somewhat interesting to know more about the place you live, but I've not really been keen on learning about the pioneer stuff. Yeah, it is interesting to know how people lived one hundred years ago but that only goes so far. I guess I am more proud of the natural environment and the progressive reputation that the coastal west often enjoys more than the hard-work and determination blah, blah, blah that is usually associated with Pioneers. I mean, I guess it would be one thing if the so-called pioneers were the first people out here to settle the land and carve a life for themselves. But, of course, the reservation down the road (with it's popular casino) proves otherwise. The trumpeted ballyhoo about the pioneers of the American west is always tempered by the fact that, for me, it largely represents American expansionism and the displacement of the indigenous peoples.

Personally, I have been having some weird dreams. My life has changed dramatically, and I think, sub-consciously, I am still trying to get a grip on it. I often dream about being poor without any resources to depend on. I managed to get my first paycheck the other day, which was great, but I still owe rent for the month of May in place I moved out of, cable I no longer subscribe to, and phone for service I no longer have. The paycheck won't cover even half of it yet. Fortunately, by the end of the month, I should have most of my bills paid off, but the stress of still owing money combined with the fact that I'm not making any progress on my long term life goals--and that I am 34!--is a little depressing. I tell myself that life is one step in front of the other and that knowledge sometimes helps.

:: z. 9:38 PM [+] Permalink ::

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Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Cliche Enrollment Cards 

McBee Park

I figured I could use some of the time I had at lunch to update my blog. I've thought about doing it a few times in the past couple of days, but the heat and the amount of work I have been doing has made posting a bit difficult.

I am officially flat broke. I have ten bucks in my pocket and five in my bank account, which I suppose is something, but not when you consider that I have over 60,000 dollars debt in college loans. I try not to think about that number, especially when I consider all of the other garbage that seems to go with it these days. I'd explain more, but more than likely, everyone who knows me has already heard it.

Being 34 and living your parent's garage is quite a come down. I've officially become a cliche and I am considering submitting my official cliche enrollment card soon. I know I am not the first person of my generation to have done so, but it would be rather nice to have my own apartment again. And speaking of cliches', since I have already gone there, I suppose I should view the next couple of months as a period of recuperation and recovery. Every self-help book and TV show seems to say that is a good idea, even if I am uncomfortable and self-conscious delving into the self-help territory.

I've stalwartly decided to ignore the seeming ignobility of my position to look at the slight upsides. For example, it is sort of a nice garage, and it gives me an amount of privacy that living on the streets never could. (Yes, that was a path I could have taken.) Also, I've still got access to television and the internet, so my mind will have something to occupy itself in the evenings aside from thoughts about the past. And, my parents do live in some scenic country. It has been rather nice to go outside and watch the wind rustle through the large trees instead of watching an empty plastic sack float past a public bus.

I've been spending more time in Nature lately, which is something one could probably tell by the pictures I have been posting recently. The above picture comes from a half-mile hike up and down a steep mountain to a very beautiful river scene. And because of the difficult hike, no-one else was there.

The top picture doesn't do it full justice. Even though it was a bright afternoon, this river clearing was a cathedral of shady greens and running streams. I should have taken some time to get my feet wet instead of standing on the river rocks. In any event, I'll post more pictures later from this particular hike when I have more time for blogging and more things of substance to talk about. Until then.

:: z. 12:42 PM [+] Permalink ::

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Monday, July 03, 2006

Footprints 

I believe I have settled in for the time being. There is no more moving or shifting of my various material things left to do. Now, I am beginning to establish my new routines. I am not sure what has been really noticeable during the last week, because I suppose I have been too busy to notice anything. The one thing that has been on my mind the most have been the allergies I have been having for the last few days. They are giving me a lot of trouble, to the point where I have a little trouble sleeping.

Perhaps I am having somewhat of an existential crisis. School didn't turn out the way I would have liked, and so my future plans need to seriously re-adjust, but I am not quite sure what direction I want to head in yet. I have been exploring the idea of a future working in the fine arts somehow, but really, nothing seems practical at the moment. It was easy to imagine a future career in reasearch and teaching. It was close enough to taste; I saw it everyday, and to some extent, I was doing it. It is hard to have that kind of vision with an artistic path. Frankly, I think I am still in some of the various stages of grief about the last three years. I'm sure I will eventually work through that grief, but right now, it still feels like I'm far back enough in the tunnel to where the light at the end of it seems rather dim.

:: z. 8:58 PM [+] Permalink ::

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