Willpower

Today's meditation is about willpower. Strange to ponder, but willpower, often thought as solely a power of the spirit or the mind, seems to be significantly tied to physical well being. It increases with positive mood, happiness, contentment, and wanes with trouble, sorrow, and depression. I've noticed that a good meal, a meaningful interaction with a friend, and being rested, makes my determination to do something new, apply an effort, or continue to battle through ongoing difficulties stronger. 

And, of course, it is also strange to think how thoroughly infused life is with difficulties and setbacks. Every stage of life presents a new challenge or obstacle to overcome, and plateaus of achievement or contentment seem to be fleeting. A teenage kid struggles in school, but finally graduates, only to be faced with new challenges at a first job or in new relationships, not to mention mental or physical challenges life presents us all sooner or later. One wisdom of being an adult is recognizing how fallible one's parents are, what mental or physical challenges they faced. If our parents faced life challenges from even before we were born, what hope do we have to avoid the same or similar challenges that they faced? Challenges never cease. 

So, willpower must, it seems to me, be practiced frequently and often, so it carries a person through the challenges; and that, dear reader, is very hard. 

I've heard that psychology asserts the idea that once an unwanted behavioral pattern is recognized, it is easier to overcome. To use a colloquial proverb, "when you know better, you do better." I guess that is true to some extent. 

It helps me to think of gardening: one may know how to plant corn, but it takes effort to go about doing it, and patience while you nurture its growth. I might know the benefit of a behavior change, but facing the lived reality of doing it, reinforcing it, overcoming internal and external pressures like angst, weariness, and sometimes outright oppression from the world is difficult. A resolve to be better has to be patiently supported and reinforced even through setbacks, to carry out an intentional exertion of perseverance that one may not wish to make. All summed up in the cliche, "easier said than done."

I want to captain my life smoothly through habits and recognition of universal truths as I experience the hard times of difficult emotions, physical and emotional challenges, and uncomfortable permanent, unchangeable realities. As old as I am, I'm still trying to find the balance. When I feel set back, I try to tell myself that a patient gets better by taking medicine. If I experience the impulse to give up, that is throwing the medicine away. I will not do that. I will give hope of positive change a chance. It's the only way forward.

Hope and Effort

Feeling like I have wasted a lot of time today in the digital world of video games, one game specifically. 

The joke about some games is that progress is simply "number goes up." No real discovery, learning, or achievement--just "number goes up." I've played this game that way too. It is not a story I am particularly interested in, partly because the lore is too vast, keeps changing, and does not have any real 'literary merit.' There are no grand lessons on either life or character. 

So, I come away from today, from escaping into a game whose only interest to me is that number, feeling empty. I could have done so many other things, but my mental health, moody reflection on my childhood, and my general uncertainty about the future, makes me feel like doing anything else aside from escape is too pointless and hard, requires a level of effort I don't have at the moment. I am still getting over a flu that lingers in my chest. I will change this time wasting behavior. I know I will change. But today? It's all down the drain.

Today's Thought

The insight for today is that world view controls emotions and attitude. Most of the despair I might feel over a given "situation" (deliberately unspecified) might be a result of my view of why it occurred, how events led to its occurring, and the significance or meaning I then assign to the event. And my world view, or outlook on life, will color all of that "why," "how," and "meaning."

For example, a peasant in medieval Europe might blame a plague on the turning of the Wheel of Fortune, being born under a bad star, or their being cursed by an evil eye, etc. Modern science, of course, would explain the disease carried in the flea living on a rat, and then would explain how we have an avenue to improve hygiene, living conditions, and reduce the occurrences of disease. But a peasant hundreds of years ago has none of that knowledge, so would therefore be unhappy at being sick, mad at the supposed evil person who cursed them with an evil eye, and feel despair for being treated wrongfully by fortune. 

Therefore, I make an analogy between myself and that peasant. Like him, I don't know everything, and I use my world view to fill in the gaps. As a result, I can assign wrong causes to any given situation, extrapolate meanings and symbolism, and give myself over to despair. A bad experience driving, might lead me to blame poor drivers, might cause me to over generalize which sort of people are bad drivers, and then cause me to feel anger at a blameless group. (A terrible example because I don't want to be specific about what experience led to my having this general thought about world view.)

Anyhow, I hated this day. I let myself down, felt despair, and struggled to adapt to experiences I cannot control, but could have tremendous impact on my life or the lives of others. I know I had a bout of depression today.

My glimmer of hope is the lesson of the day I mentioned at the beginning. I *could* view the world as a dark place that will only get darker for myself, but to have hope, then I must cultivate an attitude of gratitude for what I do have, the virtues I have earned and will carry with me. This view of gratitude will go a long way to helping me have a better world view overall, and avoid the pits of despair. Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. Gratitude is not lying to yourself to feel better. It is acknowledging the positives and helping your brain see them in their proper place, integrated perhaps with some bad stuff, but not overwhelmed by it. 

I have health. I have family. I have options for the future still. I have had good things happen to me in the past. I have a perspective that gives meaning to these bad experiences as life does and will continue to present uncomfortable things that likely will not change. I will try to get better going forward. I will try to commit to myself again, and recognize some of the permanent improvements I have made. I will try to develop what is, essentially, a skill.

Troubled Waters

Self care is a "troubled" phrase for me. I usually suspect that when people say they need some "self care," they're usually trying to disguise self interest or selfishness as some kind of virtue. Service to others is really what we all need, and that usually requires sacrifice of time, attention, and sometimes money, a fact that is counter-intuitive to most people in my society, and often unexamined in their own personal lives. 

Still, depression can lead to "self-neglect." One stops showering, stops eating healthy, attending to necessary work, allows the quality of the tasks at a job slide, etc.

I fear I may have fallen into a self neglect trap, that in some ways, has lasted several years. Ever since the breakup of my former relationship, a relationship that was deeply meaningful to me, I have struggled to captain the ship of my life in a direction that would have had positive benefit in my life today. Some opportunities come only once, or not at all. I fear I neglected the proper stewardship of my opportunities, and sacrificed my prospects for other people's wants and needs. I wasted time by hiding, for fear of making other people angry or uncomfortable.

So, today, even as I hid from the tasks I have been dreading in a computer game that took seven hours of my time away from me, I thought about my need for true "self-care," because the opposite, "self-neglect," is getting in the way of service to others, or at least to myself--a neglect that would also have terrible impact for others, something I don't want. Strange to think that neglecting yourself leads to other people's eventually distress, but it is true.

While playing that game, collecting upgrades and finishing quests, I also watched a TV series online from the 90s. The appeal of that show, apart from nostalgia, is the easy/joking relationship between a gentle father and lackadaisical son. I think I am attracted to the idea of a gentle parent concerned about my well being, even as my own crazy life takes me in absurd directions that I can't predict, let alone prepare for. 

Of course, I know that sitcoms are not real life and that the relationships depicted in them are nothing more than fantasy. 

On the other hand, in the still and perfect waters of art, fiction gives us room to imagine little scenarios of a smooth and happy life of growth and care for others that is deeply appealing. If only one can mirror just a small facet of that appeal, life can be all the more sweet in that self-same degree.

Escape to Digital Adventure

Nothing has changed on the tooth front, except that it doesn't hurt like it did. I suppose that is because the infection is gone, but the loss of support around the tooth remains. No referral yet, standard denial of a treatment plan. No phonecall with dentist yet 

I remember in this Nick Nolte film from the 90s that his character had a severe tooth ache that was a metaphor for the difficulties in his life, even possibly for the trauma he had suffered in his childhood. I thought it was a fairly good use of symbol. I only mention it now because, while my tooth has been aching, really I have been suffering from so much more, both physical and mental. I can see a similar narrative device working in my case if ever I wrote a story about myself.

These last handful of days has found me escaping into the world of digital games, specifically World of Warcraft. Five hours or more in front of a screen making "progress" and the numbers "go up." Already exalted with the High Mountain Tauren in Legion somehow. However, it is hard to say that I enjoy playing it. 

Someone said that going back to WoW is sort of like having an ex-wife with whom you share a kid; in some way or another, she's always going to be part of your life because of that kid. I've quit a few times, only to eventually come back, partly because it feels like a harmless way to occupy time without thinking too hard. I do think I  need to not think for a bit. I find I need the escape from unpleasant realities increasingly necessary. 

I have been thinking about how social media and the "algorithm" lack true commitment to the moral values of basic humanity. Social Media will set your nervous system on fire with images, memes, and "content" to disturb your amygdala all in a single pointed drive to get money, the one moral value of our modern society that seems stable, above criticism.

Anyhow, lately, social media has not been the harmless distraction that I needed from recent events, so I turned to the old standby, WoW. I made a fury warrior that I took from lvl 1 to lvl 80 in just one week. The "remix" that helped this quick rise was the same content I was playing ten years ago. I remembered all of it even as I was feeling bad about wasting time. A feeling that grew with the passing hours.

Prayers, fear, distraction, and numbness are my life these days. I hope to get back on a plan to stabilize my future, forms to fill out, contingency plans to make. I know I have to rely on a higher power to get me through all the days, months, and years to come. It's the only refuge I have, or anyone has, in these trying times. All I can think with the increasing bad news is this: "God help us all."

Bad tooth

I left the house very early this morning to get to my dentist appointment. The bone on my back right molar has receded, according to the young dentist woman, who I overheard tell another patient was back from a vacation in Mexico. 

My choices, according to her medical opinion, is to either do a root canal that is expensive and has little chance of success, or to pull the tooth. However, by pulling the tooth, I lose my third adult tooth. I don't want to lose any more teeth. I indicated I understood the options, but that I wanted to do the root canal. I noted her disappointment as this seemed to be the less convenient choice. Supposedly, I will get a referral to a specialist. 

I'm frustrated because of my lack of knowledge. It feels I am supposed to make decisions when I don't have all the options or knowledge to do so. No one told me that my bridge, when I first got it, was going to be temporary. Indeed, it seemed like a permanent solution to a problem I had those years ago. I fear that this two bad options choice is similar, with the attending worry that, had I a million dollars or more, there would be other options.

Currently, there isn't a lot of pain, but I am still getting over a cold. Life has been difficult lately, and I worry it could get more so. I hope I heal. But more, I hope I find more comfort in the future when I continue to get older. Doesn't seem likely based on age and finances.

The Coming End of Things

The cracks are beginning to show. I told my mom, a week ago, that I felt old, by which I meant that my body isn't bouncing back as easily as before. I'm more tired, more derailed by illness, less able to power through minor physical setbacks as before. It's a concerning trend for the future. No one ever gets younger. And all those old insults to one's health, previous injuries and illnesses, accumulate into a metaphorical heap as old habits solidly ossify into truly bad routines. 

I try to keep my spirit up. I can't afford to mentally berate myself all day like in the past. For one, I know better. With age comes wisdom and all that. Too many in our culture want to interpret tyranny and oppression as our personal failure. Things we believe are in our control and therefore our fault aren't really. Lack of support, lack of assistance, outright manipulation and lies shape our realities. We're too individualistic to see it, and therefore, we conclude we've "failed" when we can't or don't achieve what we could have. In reality, society failed us.

I don't have a safety net, and the good graces of life that currently support me won't last forever. I say prayers, try to change behaviors for the better, but I worry I will be lost to the troubles when the shoe drops. I let too many years go by doing nothing but cultivating fears. I lack knowledge of the future. I want to prepare for it, but it may be too late. The future will be here before I am ready. If only decency in living expenses prevailed. If only we all truly believed every single human being was worth investing time and money in. If only we all had the same chances. The homeless scare me, not because I believe them to be especially violent or deranged, but because their presence, their tents along the road, remind me that I might one day be trying to scrabble a life of dignity and rude shelter as well.